The Mid-Winter Break from Hell
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: Frustrated with the amount of boredom in their everyday lives, RK and Jaylynn pull out all the stops to plan a fun vacation for mid-winter break. However, when they're reminded that the break only lasts a week, they scheme to make the vacation last as long as possible.
1. The Mid-Winter Break from Hell Script

_Thank You, Heavenly _

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 7

EPISODE 20

Airdate: February 24, 2019

"The Mid-Winter Break from Hell" (cover of the _Simpsons _episode "A Totally Fun Thing That Bart Will Never Do Again")

_Original teleplay written by Matt Warburton_

_#TYH718_

SCENE 1

The Hernandez Household

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

_On Monday morning at exactly 7:45 A.M., the alarm clock goes off. Jaylynn wakes up looking physically spent, then yawns and rubs her eyes._

JAYLYNN: Ugh, why can't I just stay home and never go to school again?

SCENE 2

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

_That same morning, a bored RK zips up his backpack and puts it on._

RK: Well, time for another week of bullshit.

SCENE 3

_("It's a Shame" by The Spinners plays in the background)_

_The montage follows RK and Jaylynn's week through school. Jaylynn walks towards her locker when she gets accidentally hit in the face with a locker door. At lunch, RK turns his head briefly and then turns back to see a nervous Buster eating his cupcake. At gym during a basketball game, Jaylynn dodges defenders on her way to make the winning three-pointer, but it turns out that she scored against her own team. In Mr. Frax's class, everyone gets their test scores back. RK gets a B-minus and looks impressed, but when he sees that Ashley got an A-plus, he flips his chair over and leaves to go to the bathroom. He ends up walking into Jaylynn by accident, which causes an inexplicable argument between the two. At Anja's house, Jaylynn is visibly bored as she hears Anja talk. Lynne walks into the house screaming and stomping on the floor, but Jaylynn doesn't even have a reaction. She then grabs Jaylynn and begins screaming in her face for no apparent reason, to the point where spit comes out of her mouth. The camera cuts to a close-up of Lynne's mouth as she continues screaming and spitting, then to Jaylynn as she remains bored. The kids are later on Sparky's couch as they recap the week's events. RK and Jaylynn trade looks of disinterest, then return their attention to the TV. Dissolve into the present day, where the kids leave Sparky's house. _

SCENE 4

The MacDougal Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

_RK goes to his car, but he gets stopped by Jaylynn._

JAYLYNN: Hey RK, you got a minute?

RK: That depends. I don't have any money to give you.

JAYLYNN: No, not that. I just hate my life right now and I figured you always hate your life, so you would be easy to talk to.

RK: I don't always hate my life.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, let's not try and get technical here. I walked up to you for a reason. Come on, let's go do something.

SCENE 5

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

_RK and Jaylynn are watching TV. _

JAYLYNN: You know, when I said we should go do something, this isn't what I meant.

RK: Jaylynn, the television is the only thing that gives my life joy right now. I'm tired of going to school.

JAYLYNN: Please, you're tired of school? I'm tired of life. I feel like one of those cute little hamsters you see at the pet store. They just keep running and running on that stupid wheel for the rest of their life.

RK: Yeah. Then they eat way too much and die because their owners couldn't afford liposuction.

JAYLYNN: What the hell are you talking about?

RK: I'm piggybacking off what you said. Look, Jaylynn, we have to do something about this. We weren't meant to have our lives peak at ten years old.

JAYLYNN: You're telling me. Where's the excitement? Where's the fun? Before you know it, we're both going to be cranky old people complaining about the heat at the retirement home.

RK: Oh, no freaking way is that happening. I'll sooner beat my grandkids before they put me in a home.

JAYLYNN: See, I feel like when I talk, you hear something else.

VOICEOVER: Every family needs a place to call their own on vacation. Why don't you come along for the ride?

JAYLYNN: What's going on here?

_("Come with Me Now" by Kongos begins playing in the background)_

_The commercial depicts several different families having fun in rapid-fire fashion, doing things such as going down water slides, rock climbing, making their own hot fudge sundaes, and watching live fireworks. _

VOICEOVER: Paradise Resorts. The only choice for an epic vacation. Yeah, feel it.

JAYLYNN: Okay, that was intense.

RK: Of course. That's what we need!

JAYLYNN: Are you sure? I mean, we can make our own hot fudge sundaes at Ike's for less than three bucks.

RK: No, Jaylynn, I mean, we need a vacation. That's our problem. We've been going to school, working like dogs, and running around the city for weeks without a break. This is our chance to get our mojo back.

JAYLYNN: You're right. That's an awesomesauce idea! And I think mid-winter break's coming up too.

RK: Even better. We can do it then. It's time for us to plan the most fun vacation that's ever been a vacation.

JAYLYNN: F*** yeah, we're doing this!

RK: Yeah, we're doing this!

_RK and Jaylynn high-five each other. Beat. _

JAYLYNN: So, can we start planning tomorrow?

RK: Yeah, I'm tired as hell right now.

SCENE 6

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

_The next day, Jaylynn is at her locker when RK runs up to her._

RK: Alright, Jaylynn. Feast your eyes on this.

_RK shows Jaylynn a picture of the Toll House Lodge in Lake Quinault, Washington._

JAYLYNN: What kind of old-school hotel is that?

RK: It's not a hotel. It's a lodge. But not just any lodge. It's the Toll House Lodge, one of the top five lodges in the Pacific Northwest.

JAYLYNN: So what do you do there?

RK: All sorts of things. You can go to the spa, enjoy the buffet, play indoor and outdoor sports. Plus, free Wi-Fi and the fact that it's located near a national park.

JAYLYNN: Which park?

RK: I don't know. I'm not Ranger Smith. The point is, this is the place to be for our vacation.

JAYLYNN: Well, it is beautiful. How much does it cost?

RK: Well, let me put it this way. Take a look at the math I did earlier today.

_RK shows Jaylynn a paper of calculations he made concerning the lodge._

JAYLYNN: What's this all mean?

RK: You see that number right down there?

JAYLYNN: Yeah.

RK: That's what it would cost if all five of us stayed for one day.

JAYLYNN: Damn. No wonder it's so nice.

RK: Exactly. Which means you and I are going to have to hustle hard to make all that money.

JAYLYNN: Hustle hard? Man, nobody's hustling.

RK: Jaylynn, how do you expect to pay for this trip? It's called the Toll House Lodge, not the Sit Back and Wait for What You Want to Come to You Lodge.

JAYLYNN: Sounds like a damn good lodge.

RK: Look, this is our chance to have the vacation we always wanted. I'm tired of our trips always having some weird, out of nowhere twist.

JAYLYNN: What are you talking about?

RK: Do you want me to run it down? Super Bowl conspiracies, murderous ex-presidents, greedy Nickelodeon executives, psychologically abusive raccoons, space jail, and New York City.

JAYLYNN: I thought you liked New York the last time we went.

RK: I change my mind every day.

JAYLYNN: Dude, I don't have a problem with helping to pay for this, but maybe we should choose something cheaper. Something that won't leave us broke before junior high.

RK: No, man, we're doing this. But don't worry. I have plenty of surefire ways to make money. We'll be getting fancy massages at that lodge in no time.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, we're gonna die.

_RK gives Jaylynn an annoyed look. _

SCENE 7

Seattle, Washington

_After school, RK and Jaylynn are parked near a random person's house. _

JAYLYNN: I still can't believe your first plan is selling chocolate door-to-door. Why don't we just collect cans and fill out surveys while we're at it?

RK: That's the attitude of a loser. I don't deal with losers. And anyway, you forget that I used to be the Chocolate King. I could sell a Snickers bar to a pitbull if I wanted to.

JAYLYNN: Then why am I the one that has to do it?

RK: Because nothing warms a person's heart more than an adorable, wide-eyed girl selling them something sweet.

JAYLYNN: I'm never been either of those things. I'm evil.

RK: No, you're not, but I like how much you've convinced yourself that. Okay, your mission, if you choose to accept it, is put on this here Mariners cap and sell these chocolates. Come up with a sob story, like your baseball team is down with anti-drug companies or some junk.

JAYLYNN: I don't accept it.

RK: You remember telling me to tell you when your negativity got in the way?

JAYLYNN: Yeah.

RK: It's getting in the way something fierce. Now, go sell this candy.

JAYLYNN: Fine.

_Jaylynn gets out of the car and turns her Seattle Mariners cap backwards, then has a big, toothy smile on her face as she walks up to the door and rings the bell. A woman comes to answer the door. _

WOMAN: Are you okay, little girl?

JAYLYNN: No, it's not natural for me to smile so much. Hi, I'm Jaylynn Hernandez, and I'm going door-to-door to sell these here chocolate bars for my baseball team.

WOMAN: That's adorable. What's the cause?

JAYLYNN: Um, drugs. Yeah, our coach snorted an entire bag of cocaine and the money we make helps us keep him in rehab whenever he needs it.

WOMAN: Great, I'll take three.

JAYLYNN: Three? Oh, that's nice, I guess. It's just that sometimes in batting practice, when I don't get a hit, my coach beats me with home plate!

WOMAN: You know what? Make that nine.

JAYLYNN: Thank you. I love your hospitality.

_Jaylynn gives RK a sly smile while the woman gets out the money. Cut to RK looking disgusted, then beginning to make a text. Jaylynn soon gets a text and takes out her phone. _

JAYLYNN: "Stop smiling at me like a creep. You'll ruin it."

WOMAN: What?

JAYLYNN: I still have scars from the last time he did it!

SCENE 8

Northgate Community Center

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

_A few days later, RK is sitting on a bucket as he prepares his "Will Dance for Money" sign. Jaylynn stands near him._

JAYLYNN: I don't know why we can't just keep selling chocolate. Your tips actually worked.

RK: That's a long-term plan for a short-term problem, Jay. We need to book our reservations at that lodge before break. So, to speed things up, it's time for the next plan.

JAYLYNN: You're gonna dance around like an idiot?

RK: I'm going to dance around like a seasoned veteran. Jaylynn, in areas all over the world, everybody loves a good street performer. And if they're good enough, they can make bank for the rest of their lives.

JAYLYNN: Hmmm, maybe I should try that.

RK: When you move out of Seattle for college. Okay, hype me up. Start giving me energy while the song plays.

_RK turns on his boombox, which plays "Dancing Machine" by The Jackson 5._

JAYLYNN: I don't know what to say.

RK: Just be my hype man. Get me going, sell my skills to the crowd, be my posse.

JAYLYNN: Alright, got it. Yo, everybody here in Seattle needs to check out my man RK with the good feet. You've seen the rest, now, you're gonna see the best. Come on, people, don't be shy. You have the money, dump it in the cardboard box while the dancing machine does his thing.

_At this point, RK and Jaylynn are surrounded by a large group of people. RK's confidence evaporates as he sees everybody watching him at once. _

BOY: Come on, man, do something!

WOMAN: Yeah, I have night school in two hours!

RK: Okay. You want it, you want to see it? You want to see this right here, right now?!

EVERYBODY: YES!

RK: Okay then. Well, uh, get ready for the dance...of a lifetime.

_RK takes a deep breath and begins performing an uncoordinated version of the robot, then the moonwalk. He then transitions into John Travolta's "Saturday Night Fever" dancing, then Gangnam Style, then the D-Generation-X crotch chop, but people have already started booing and leaving._

MAN: You suck!

BOY: Pussy-ass kid.

RK: Wait, come back! You didn't even let me go in on my line dancing!

JAYLYNN: Dude, what the hell was that? I thought you said you practiced this.

RK: I got stage fright. I couldn't do it.

SCENE 9

The Jennings Household

Interior Garage

Seattle, Washington

_Jaylynn and RK are taking a look at some of the Jennings' old accessories in the garage. _

RK: Well, if we're going to make it to that lodge, we have to be swift. We have to be drastic, we really gotta cross our t's and dot out i's.

JAYLYNN: I wish I knew what you were saying more often.

RK: We have to have a garage sale, Jaylynn! Damn. Could you be more like Wade and less like Buster?

JAYLYNN: Well, what do you think we can sell here?

RK: A bunch of stuff. Our garage is a treasure trove of bric-a-brac and collectibles and all that good stuff. Oh, baby. This is it.

_RK takes a cowboy action figure from off fthe shelf._

RK: Jaylynn, this is what's gonna send us to Toll House.

JAYLYNN: A plastic cowboy? Unless he's Woody from _Toy Story_, how much can he make?

RK: It's not just a cowboy. It's a cowboy _zombie_. These were huge back then. See, by day, he's just your average Old West cowboy. A gunslinger from a forgotten era bringing peace and safety to his community. _*RK presses a button on the back of the cowboy and it turns into a zombie action figure* _But by night, he transforms into a disgusting, undead maniac who's acquired a taste for human flesh. And nobody will be able to stop him when he's on the path of destruction.

_Beat._

JAYLYNN: The other kids didn't play with you in kindergarten, did they?

RK: Yeah, like you used to be so damn cool. Didn't you watch _Caillou _reruns before you went to bed?

JAYLYNN: Hey, I used to think he was misunderstood! After a while, I wanted to smack that bald piece of shit too.

RK: Well, this cowboy zombie is just what we need to bring in the missing cash.

JAYLYNN: I don't think so. I have another idea, but I don't know how you're going to feel about it.

RK: Okay, what?

JAYLYNN: We could ask for a loan.

RK: Jaylynn, we're kids. And even if we do get a loan, you know what those loan sharks do if they don't get paid on time? They'll hang you upside down in front of the balcony, and club you upside the head with a baseball bat until you can't remember your favorite food.

JAYLYNN: Not from the mafia, dummy. I meant, from Sanna.

RK: Oh. Yeah, that could probably work.

SCENE 10

The Qureshi Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

_RK and Jaylynn are sitting down on Sanna's couch to approach her about a loan._

JAYLYNN: So it would really mean a lot to us if you could give us the money for the trip.

SANNA: Yeah, I really don't know. I'm not comfortable with loaning money to friends, especially that much.

RK: But Sanna, please, this isn't just about a trip. At the end of the day, can you really put a price on friendship? On a great vacation? On fun?

SANNA: Hey, don't guilt trip me like I'm one of the guys. It's not gonna work.

JAYLYNN: Come on, Sanna, you're not the one with the boring life. You just vacationed in Paris last summer. This is your chance to give something back to the community.

SANNA: Seriously, I really don't know. One time, I gave Ashley some money for her birthday. I told her that I could get her anything she wanted, but she said she wanted money. So I broke her off some cash. Then she buys something that I could have bought her with my own money. It was a waste of time and I promised myself that I would never give money to my friends ever again.

_The camera pulls back to reveal an annoyed Ashley. _

ASHLEY: You know, if you plan on talking about me like I'm not in the room, maybe you should make sure that I'm not in the room.

SANNA: You had to be here. If I don't remind you what happened, how else are you gonna learn?

JAYLYNN: Forget it. I don't know why we wasted our time. Come on, RK, we'll just get the money some other way.

_Jaylynn and RK begin to leave the house as Ashley gives Sanna a look of disapproval. _

SANNA: Wait, guys, hang on. Alright, you sold me. There's no way in hell you two can make that money on your own.

RK: Hey!

SANNA: Yeah, I said what I said. So how about this? I give you the money, you guys can go have your unbelievably amazing vacation at the lodge, but I get something from RK.

RK: What do you want? My dignity?

SANNA: No, but you are one of the best at math. I want at least a 90 on my next test. You get the money and then you help me get the grades.

RK: Consider it done.

JAYLYNN: Thanks Sanna. This is gonna be the best vacation ever!

_RK and Jaylynn high-five each other and run out of the house. _

SANNA: They didn't even get the money, where are they going?

ASHLEY: Did you learn anything from what just happened?

SANNA: Of course. Next time I loan money, get something in return. Duh.

ASHLEY: You were so close to making me proud of you.

SCENE 11

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

_Jaylynn and RK are talking to the guys about the vacation. _

BUSTER: Wait, so we're going to the Toll House Lounge for mid-winter break?

RK: No, it's called the Toll House Lodge. I know it sounds like it should be "Lounge," but trust me, you'll catch a beatdown over there if you say it wrong.

WADE: What brought this on, guys?

JAYLYNN: We just wanted all of us to have a fun vacation for once. No drama, no weird shit, just us relaxing over the break.

SPARKY: And you're paying for this? How were you able to afford it?

RK: Jaylynn and I have paper. That's all you need to know.

SPARKY: No, seriously.

RK: Well, Sparks, the truth is, Jaylynn and I hustled hard to get the money. We did it all. Dancing, selling chocolates, yard sales. We even made a rap. You wanna hear it?

SPARKY: No, that sounds gross.

RK: I didn't think so.

BUSTER: So, when do we leave?

RK: The weekend before the break, I guess. But trust me, guys, this is going to be the best vacation ever.

JAYLYNN: Damn straight.

WADE: I don't know. There's always something weird that happens whenever we go on trips.

SPARKY: Yeah. Like that time we went to Vegas and Buster lost all the money. Or maybe it was RK that lost it. I don't know, I can't remember.

BUSTER: Yeah, we always have bad luck whenever we leave Seattle. Remember when Coca-Cola tried screwing us over in Atlanta?

SPARKY: Of course. But at least there was a point to going. You went to Philadelphia and wished you went to Baltimore or something.

WADE: I think when we went to Portland, that was ridiculous. All because everybody thought we were criminals.

SPARKY: Yeah, the first time was way better. Even though it was about Jaylynn defending her legacy or some nonsense.

_RK and Jaylynn stare at each other in boredom as the others continue talking. _

SCENE 12

_The kids are currently on the road. RK and Jaylynn continue to be annoyed as the others talk._

SPARKY: It's just crazy how every time we do anything, it has to turn into something over the top. Like with that field trip?

BUSTER: Yeah, Project Adventure wasn't as cool as it should have been. What about that time we went to Canada?

WADE: I don't even want to talk about Canada. Jaylynn, why would you do that at the Blue Jays game?

SPARKY: Hey, she didn't know it was illegal.

SCENE 13

Toll House Lodge

Exterior Entrance

Lake Quinault, Washington

_RK's car pulls up at the lodge. The kids then get out of the car and go to the trunk to unload their belongings. _

SPARKY: No, it's the biker gang that almost killed us when we went to Phoenix for the Super Bowl.

WADE: Right. I'm still trying to figure out when RK got stuck in that vat of chocolate pudding.

BUSTER: That was when we went to Buffalo. You know, and Jaylynn became obsessed with the Buffalo wing sauce?

WADE: That's it, the Buffalo trip. Hey RK, how did you get stuck in all that pudding anyway?

RK: I don't remember.

WADE: Alright, but how can you not remember...

JAYLYNN: Hey guys, we're here. You think we can finally talk about something that doesn't involve reminiscing so many terrible moments?

_Sparky turns around and sees the lodge._

SPARKY: Oh yeah, we are here. That car ride just flew by.

BUSTER: I still don't know why Jaylynn did that at the game.

JAYLYNN: I was just trying to move my seat!

SCENE 14

Toll House Lodge

Interior Lobby

Lake Quinault, Washington

_The kids are checking in._

CONCIERGE: I'm sorry, Mr. Jennings and Ms. Hernandez, but it looks like somebody already checked into your rooms.

RK AND JAYLYNN: What?!

RK: Kill them!

CONCIERGE: Just a small joke. But it looks like you guys are being upgraded.

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah? I know what that means. A room with more windows and free water in the mini fridge?

RK: Right?

_Cut to the five kids in a bigger room than expected. _

SPARKY: Damn, this is what I call an upgrade.

BUSTER: I didn't think we would all be sleeping in the same room.

_At that point, Jaylynn gets a call from the concierge. She takes out her phone and answers it._

JAYLYNN: Hey Katie, what's going on?

KATIE: Hello, Ms. Hernandez. Turns out there was a slight computer error in booking you guys.

JAYLYNN: Let me guess. We're getting double downgraded?

KATIE: Not quite.

_Cut to the five kids in an even bigger room than the first one._

RK: A double upgrade? Jaylynn, send me into the lake and drown me when this trip is over. This is my proudest achievement.

_Jaylynn begins to get another call._

JAYLYNN: Katie again? Please don't tell me we've been confused for some super rich family.

_Cut to Jaylynn sleeping on the floor, and getting a cup of water thrown in her face by Sparky. She immediately wakes up. _

JAYLYNN: Hey, what are you guys doing throwing things at me?

SPARKY: Dude, you passed out twice. We were starting to think you had pneumonia or something.

JAYLYNN: Why would I pass out?

SPARKY: Well, you fainted the first time because Katie told you about a triple upgrade. Then you saw the triple upgrade and fainted again.

_Jaylynn looks around and sees an enormous, almost mansion-style room, with a balcony overlooking Lake Quinault. _

JAYLYNN: Oh, f***, I'm going down.

_Jaylynn almost faints a third time, but Sparky and Wade catch her._

WADE: You okay?

JAYLYNN: Yes. I just think this is the happiest I've ever been.

SPARKY: Awww, you're tearing up.

WADE: Honestly, if I planned this trip, I would cry too.

_Sparky and Wade leave to go to their separate rooms. As they go inside their rooms, RK comes out of his._

JAYLYNN: Separate rooms for everyone?

RK: You know it. This lodge has like, a bunch of apartments in it. It's like your own little home.

JAYLYNN: Well, RK, against all odds, we pulled it off. The greatest vacation ever.

RK: You know what this is? An RK & Jaylynn signature moment.

JAYLYNN: It is? I did the thing?

RK: You did the thing.

JAYLYNN: I think we're gonna need two high-fives for this.

SCENE 15

Toll House Lodge

Interior Lobby

Lake Quinault, Washington

_The five kids walk into the lobby, now wearing matching red sweaters. _

SPARKY: These complimentary sweaters are so cozy. It's like my body is getting tiny kisses from the fabric.

BUSTER: Wait a minute. Sparky, check it out.

SPARKY: What is it, Bus...

_Sparky and Buster walk up to a large plate of cookies. Sparky reads the note placed on top of them._

SPARKY: "Here at the Toll House Lodge, we believe everyone should be accustomed to the sweet things in life. So, enjoy these complimentary Nestle cookies on us." Come on, guys, take some cookies.

_The kids all begin eating the cookies from the plate._

RK: Wait, who made these cookies? They're so fresh.

BUSTER: It said on the note, they're from Nestle.

WADE: Wait a minute. Toll House Lodge, cookies made from a Nestle recipe. Do you guys think this place is owned by Nestle?

JAYLYNN: I don't know. A vacation resort is a weird thing to invest in.

RK: Could be worse. Keebler could own this place and we could all be eating Fudge Stripe cookies.

SPARKY, RK, WADE: Ewwwww.

BUSTER AND JAYLYNN: Mmmmm.

_Beat._

SPARKY: Hey, check it out. A video's playing on the big screen.

_The kids walk up to the 4K TV over the fireplace and see an old man sitting near the fireplace on TV, looking straight at the camera. He takes a sip of hot chocolate, but then drops the mug on the floor. _

BERNARD: Shit, that burned my f***ing mouth!

_Cut to the looks of confusion from the kids. Cut back to the video. Bernard looks embarrassed, realizing that he was being recorded. _

BERNARD: Oh. Hello there, vacationers. My name is Bernard Hermann. I'm the owner of the Toll House Lodge, with funding provided by Nestle. Here at the lodge is where your every fantasy gets fulfilled. Take a seat by the piping hot fireplace, enjoy as much hot chocolate as you can drink. Meanwhile, you have complete access to three separate buffets for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Take the load off at our fully functional spa, ranked second in the region by _Northwest Digest_. You're at the Toll House Lodge now. So, remember, your desires are king.

JAYLYNN: My desires are king? It feels like he knew I was coming today.

RK: Me too.

_Everybody looks mesmerized by the video, including Buster as he continues eating the cookies with chocolate all over his hand and face._

SCENE 16

Toll House Lodge

Interior Tennis Court

Lake Quinault, Washington

_The next morning, Sparky and Wade are wearing matching white polo shirts and shorts as they walk onto the tennis court. _

WADE: Can you believe they have separate tennis courts? It's like the U.S. Open, but with less tourists.

SPARKY: I know. Way better than that cramped space our school calls a gym. Come on, let's get the equipment before everyone else takes it all.

_The boys go to the equipment area and see that there are more than enough rackets, tennis balls, and shuttlecocks._

WADE: Wait a minute. Separate equipment for badminton _and _tennis? We have choices?!

SPARKY: You're thinking what I'm thinking?

WADE: Oh, I have to be.

_Cut to Sparky and Wade laughing as they play badminton using a tennis net, but the game abruptly halts when Sparky hits the shuttlecock into the net. _

SPARKY: This is probably gonna keep happening.

WADE: You want to just use the badminton court?

SPARKY: Yeah, we're not hurting anybody.

SCENE 17

Toll House Lodge

Interior Dining Room

Seattle, Washington

_Buster is busy filling up his plate with as much breakfast food as he can, including scrambled eggs with melted cheese, turkey bacon, sausage, biscuits, and extra grape jelly. His eyes widen when he sees a table filled exclusively with donuts. _

BUSTER: Wait a minute. Donuts for breakfast? Who ever heard of something like that?

_Buster takes one donut that looks particularly interesting and begins eating it. He is frozen for a brief period. _

BUSTER: Caramel frosting with molten cookie dough inside? This...this is why I keep on fighting. _Buster begins tearing up. _Just so I can have all my dreams come true.

SCENE 18

_("Family Affair" by Mary J. Blige plays in the background)_

_The montage is a collection of the kids' activities at the lodge throughout the week. RK and Jaylynn walk into the spa and both choose to get massages, causing them both to have big grins on their face and googly eyes. They later go swimming in the lake with the other three, and they all enjoy themselves until RK gets an idea. Cut to the five kids deciding to see who can have the best dive into the lake, culminating in RK screaming as he performs an Undertaker-style suicide dive and the other four having no choice but to catch him. Later on, Sparky and Buster are laughing in Buster's room as they watch TV, then they decide to use the vibrating button on the twin beds and have the same googly eyes as RK and Jaylynn did earlier. Early in the morning, Wade takes a chocolate chip cookie from the table and goes for a run while the Sun is still beginning to rise. He is then surprised by RK running backwards, and shakes his head as the two begin to race each other until they fall over a branch. Instead of being hurt, they simply laugh. _

SCENE 19

Toll House Lodge

Interior RK's Room

Lake Quinault, Washington

_At night, RK looks around to see if anybody is around him, and he then goes into the bathroom to take a shower. He removes his towel and turns on the shower faucet. _

RK: Yes, that's the stuff.

_RK looks around again, then opens the shower curtain slightly to see if anybody else is in the bathroom. _

_*singing "Independent Women" by Destiny's Child* _RK: Lucy Liu...with my girl Drew. Cameron D and Destiny. _Charlie's Angels_, come on. Uh, uh, uh. Yo, yo, all the women, who's independent, throw your hands up at meeeeee. All the people, with different colors, throw your hands up at meeeeee. Girl, I didn't know you could get down like that. Charlie, how your Angels get down like that? Girl, I didn't know you could get down like that. Charlie, how your Angels get down like that?

WADE _(O.S.)_: RK?

_RK's eyes widen and they begin to dart back and forth. He is only shown from the chest up, with the rest of his body covered in steam and soap._

RK: Oh, hey Wade. How's it going out there?

WADE _(O.S.)_: Fine. What are you doing in the shower?

RK: Well, you know, I'm just cleansing myself. Making sure I stay fresh while we're on vacation.

WADE _(O.S.)_: No, the singing. What was that about?

RK: Oh, I didn't know you guys were still here. I thought I would meet you down at the buffet, so I just wanted to pay tribute to the classics.

WADE _(O.S.)_: Oh. Well, we decided to wait for you and then we'll all go together.

RK: Fantastic. I'll be finishing up soon.

WADE _(O.S.)_: Alright then.

_RK hears the sound of the bathroom door closing. _

RK: Dammit. I wanted to sing Aaliyah after this.

SCENE 20

Toll House Lodge

Exterior Outdoor Dining Area

Lake Quinault, Washington

_Later on, RK adjusts the collar on his polo shirt as he walks to the dinner table and takes a look at his menu. Jaylynn sits next to RK._

JAYLYNN: Dude, this place has been like heaven on Earth. All the people are friendly, the air is clean, and I'm getting the best skin of my life. Look at this clear coat.

RK: The lake agrees with you.

JAYLYNN: I could say the same thing about you. Your haircut has never looked that sharp before.

RK: I know. I mean, the barbers in the city are cool, but the people here eat, sleep, and breathe hair. My cut is so crisp, it's damn near refreshing.

JAYLYNN: Wait, did you realize something? I can't remember the last time we fought.

RK: Holy shit, you're right. Planning the trip, being on the trip. We've been closer ever since.

JAYLYNN: Hey, maybe if we stay another week, we'll be best friends.

_RK and Jaylynn begin laughing. _

JAYLYNN: Wait, I can't joke about that. Anja will kill me.

_RK gives Jaylynn a bored look. Buster then takes his seat._

BUSTER: Guys, this vacation has been like a dream. Last week, I was worried about the pop quiz Mrs. Bernstein was going to give us. Tonight, my biggest problem is choosing between the giant chicken tenders and the pizza-stuffed quesadillas. This is a real game-changing decision.

RK: I got it. Why don't you choose both, and combine them to make a super dinner?

BUSTER: Just when I thought you already had your best idea.

_Sparky and Wade walk up to the table._

SPARKY: You know, RK and Jaylynn, I had my doubts about this lodge, but you hit the jackpot when you made your reservations.

JAYLYNN: What have you two crazy kids been up to?

WADE: Well, the athletics here are top of the line. In gym class, we had to deal with overcrowding, broken equipment, and kids that didn't know how to play. Here, we don't have to worry about taking turns.

SPARKY: Because everybody gets one.

BUSTER: I understand now why celebrities forget the way regular people live. After this, who would wanna remember?

SPARKY: I know. It's too bad that the week is almost over. In a couple days, it's back to the old grind.

_Cut to RK and Jaylynn with blank stares, realizing what Sparky just said._

WADE: True. I mean, I can finish the break homework when we go home, but I'm really gonna miss this place.

BUSTER: Let's just enjoy it while we can.

RK: You know what? I'm going to hit the bathroom. Let's hope those buffet tables don't get cleared out when I come back.

JAYLYNN: I'll go with you...for moral support.

_RK and Jaylynn both leave the table and run into the lobby._

SPARKY: Did she just say she's going to the bathroom with him for moral support?

WADE: They're the ones who booked this trip. Let them enjoy their weird activities.

_Cut to RK and Jaylynn inside the lobby._

JAYLYNN: Dude, did you hear what they said?

RK: Of course I did. Back to the old grind? Enjoy it while we can? They're already gearing up to leave this place.

JAYLYNN: I should have seen this coming. No matter how much stuff we do this week, that's all this is. A week!

RK: Then it's back to waking up at the crack of dawn to get outshined by your peers.

JAYLYNN: Embarrassing yourself in front of everybody.

RK: Mountains of homework that you can't finish until lunch the next day.

JAYLYNN: Getting spit on by some idiot complaining about nothing.

RK: This is it for us, Jaylynn. We can't top this. This is the best week we're ever going to have. We'll be back on the couch doing recaps in no time!

JAYLYNN: No. We're not going back to that damn couch, not today! We're making this vacation last.

RK: How? It's not like we can stay another week.

_Beat._

JAYLYNN: Or maybe we _can _stay another week.

RK: Staying another week is the only thing we can do.

SCENE 21

Toll House Lodge

Exterior Outdoor Dining Area

Lake Quinault, Washington

_RK and Jaylynn have returned to the table. _

SPARKY: You really think we should stay another week?

BUSTER: Yeah, it's not like we're on summer break. We might be breaking the rules.

RK: Look, ever since we've gotten here, it's just been nonstop fun. We haven't had to stress about anything. Are you sure you want to go back to all that crap in just a few days?

WADE: You make a convincing argument. I mean, adults take personal days off all the time. Why can't we?

SPARKY: I don't know, I would feel bad knowing all the money you're spending. At least let me chip in.

JAYLYNN: Oh no, your money's no good here. It was our idea, let us take care of it.

SPARKY: Well, if everyone's okay with it, we could stay another week.

BUSTER: I'm cool with it.

WADE: Me too.

RK: Hey, cheers to an extended vacation.

JAYLYNN: Extended vacation.

_All of the kids raise their glasses and clink them in unison. _

KIDS: Extended vacation!

JAYLYNN: Wait, RK, how are we paying for this extended vacation?

RK: Get Sanna's credit card information. I'll make it up to her later.

SCENE 22

Toll House Lodge

Interior TSE Room

Lake Quinault, Washington

_A couple days later, RK walks out of his room wearing a straw hat, sunglasses, and a sweatshirt that says "Ain't No Lodging Like Toll House Lodging." His phone begins to vibrate._

RK: Ugh, if it's KG complaining about the DVR again...

_RK picks up the phone._

RK: What's up, Sanna? Yeah, I did call you. Listen, we might end up staying here another week, so would it be possible for you to foot the bill? Hey, our hands are tied. If you wanted to stay somewhere longer than expected and we had money, we would cover you. Alright, alright. Put Ashley on the phone. I wanna talk to Ashley. Oh, she's not there? Seems like she's always with you for some reason. Last week, I think I even mixed up your names. I'll call you back. Love you.

_RK hangs up. At that point, Jaylynn walks out of her room._

JAYLYNN: So, what happened? Did she agree?

RK: I would repeat what she said, but it has the seven words you can't say on television.

JAYLYNN: Damn. This place was even better this week. I don't wanna leave yet.

RK: Me neither. Okay, I have an idea. We convince the guys to stay another week, then we tell them our cash has dried up.

JAYLYNN: And once they find out, they'll take the money they've saved and pay for a third week.

RK: It's the only thing we can do. If we're going to keep our lives exciting, then the train's gotta keep on rolling.

SCENE 23

Toll House Lodge

Interior Dining Room

Lake Quinault, Washington

_The kids are eating lunch later on._

BUSTER: Look, guys, the buffets and the donuts have been fantastic, but there's no way we can do it for another week.

SPARKY: Buster's right. Sooner or later, we're gonna have to go back to school.

WADE: Yeah, remember what happened to me last time?

RK: Personally, I was proud of you for slacking off.

JAYLYNN: I know this is weird to hear, but we're just not ready to leave yet.

SPARKY: How? The novelty's going to wear off pretty soon.

BUSTER: And think about what you're missing out on. The Kids Choice Awards, March Madness. A whole month is gonna pass you by.

RK: But there's TV here.

BUSTER: Please, you know it's not the same.

WADE: Look, guys, I know you've been having fun, but we already extended the break once. We have to get back to our lives.

JAYLYNN: No, we don't! We're going to be on vacation forever, and that's just how we feel.

RK: Yeah.

SPARKY: Come on, guys, what's really going on here? Is someone sending you death threats back home or something?

JAYLYNN: No.

RK: Maybe.

SPARKY: Then why do you want to stay so bad?

JAYLYNN: Because everything sucks back home. It's like all of our problems, all the things that made us mad don't matter over here.

WADE: Well, you know what they say. Ignorance is bliss.

SPARKY: Look, RK? Jaylynn? You two can do whatever you want, but after this week, we're going home.

JAYLYNN: That's okay.

RK: Yeah, more fun for the two of us!

_RK and Jaylynn proceed to aggressively high-five each other. The others look bewildered. _

SCENE 24

Toll House Lodge

Exterior Entrance

Lake Quinault, Washington

_A few days later, RK and Jaylynn watch as Sparky, Buster, and Wade get inside a car with their stuff to take them back to the city._

JAYLYNN: The nerve of some people. Can't even enjoy an extended vacation that you're not paying for.

RK: It's selfish, I think. There's way too much ego in America today.

JAYLYNN: I agree. Hey, wait a minute. How _are _we paying for this?

RK: The way I see it, we have two options: Get Ashley to convince Sanna to drop the money, or we stay here until someone realizes we don't belong and kicks us out.

_Beat._

JAYLYNN: Alright, we call Ashley first, get kicked out second.

SCENE 25

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

_Some time later, the three boys are back at school near their lockers. _

WADE: Wow. I can't believe it's been two weeks already since we were last here. I feel like a blind man getting his eyesight back.

BUSTER: How do you feel on the first day of school?

WADE: Like I just got out of a two-month coma.

SPARKY: For what it's worth, RK and Jaylynn better be having fun. Trying to hold us hostage at that lodge.

BUSTER: I get why they were so crazy about it. That lodge was beautiful.

WADE: Yeah, but you can't be in paradise forever. They'll get bored and come to their senses before we know it.

_At that point, Sanna and Ashley walk up to the boys._

ASHLEY: Hey guys. Enjoyed yourself at the lodge?

SPARKY: Sure did. But in some ways, it's good to be back.

SANNA: Let me guess. RK and Jaylynn were too tired to come here?

BUSTER: No, they're still at Lake Quinault. They really, really like that lodge.

ASHLEY: And you guys didn't bring them back?

SPARKY: They wanted to stay there. They were just tired of dealing with reality.

ASHLEY: What do you mean?

SPARKY: I mean, we all have things about our life that we can't stand. But we can't avoid them forever. Then you'll never go anywhere.

WADE: Yeah. We all know the lodge was five stars, but I don't know why they're so obsessed with staying there.

SANNA: Do you guys even know how RK and Jaylynn paid for that trip?

SPARKY: Yeah. They saved up tons of money.

SANNA: Guess again. They came to...

BUSTER: They won a sweepstakes.

_Beat._

SANNA: What?

BUSTER: You told us to guess again. I assume, they won all the money they needed to pay for the lodge.

SANNA: Nope. They came to me and asked for the money because they knew they didn't have enough, but they still wanted you guys to enjoy the break. Then they asked me for more money so they could stay another week.

BUSTER: Damn, what a twist.

SPARKY: How come they didn't tell us about this? We could have helped them.

SANNA: They didn't want you to feel sorry for them. The only thing they cared about was making sure all of you had fun at the lodge.

WADE: And we turned our backs on them.

SPARKY: I can't believe this. RK and Jaylynn were so desperate to go on this trip, they did whatever they could to get the money. I think I know a way we can fix this.

_Sparky, Buster, and Wade walk away from the girls._

ASHLEY: You did a good thing telling them.

SANNA: Somebody had to. Wait, does this mean you're proud of me?

ASHLEY: I might be. Keep it up.

_Sanna playfully hits Ashley on her arm, and Ashley returns it._

SCENE 26

Toll House Lodge

Interior Dining Room

Lake Quinault, Washington

_RK and Jaylynn are eating breakfast that same morning, but they look depressed. RK holds up Buster's donut of choice. _

RK: Caramel frosting with molten cookie dough. These were Buster's favorite, and I shall eat them in his honor.

JAYLYNN: Wade liked blackberry syrup on his pancakes and Sparky liked strawberry. I'm using 'em both.

RK: Jaylynn, why do we feel like crap? We're not back in Seattle, but it's no different from how it was there.

JAYLYNN: I don't know. Maybe we're just missing the guys. It's a little lonely without them.

RK: Yeah, it is. You know, there were a few days after breakfast where Sparky and I would go play near the lake. We skipped so many rocks, they should name the game after us.

JAYLYNN: You're telling me. Last week, Buster and I were in the vibrating beds and we were acting like we were racing each other. Neither of us wanted to be Danica Patrick.

RK: Why?

JAYLYNN: Neither of us like her that much.

RK: That's understandable.

_Beat._

JAYLYNN: You know what? This blows, okay? We could do everything we did the first week, but it's not gonna bring Sparky, Buster, and Wade back.

RK: You're right. What good is having fun if your friends aren't around to have it with you?

JAYLYNN: I guess we could just try and have some more fun before they give our room to someone else.

RK: I could be Buster and pretend race with you.

JAYLYNN: How do you feel about Danica Patrick?

RK: She's kinda hot.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I need a more negative opinion than that.

SCENE 27

Toll House Lodge

Exterior Balcony

Lake Quinault, Washington

_RK and Jaylynn are watching Lake Quinault from the balcony of their makeshift apartment. _

RK: Okay, this is one thing that we don't need the guys for. Anybody can be in awe of nature any time.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, you're right. Except if Wade was here, he would talk about the majesty of the lake and how blessed we are to see it up close.

RK: I'm bummed out again.

JAYLYNN: Sorry.

RK: It happens.

_At that point, RK and Jaylynn hear the doorknob start to jiggle. _

JAYLYNN: Oh no, lodge staff! I guess it's time to go back home.

RK: It was still a great vacation, no matter what.

_The door opens to reveal Sparky, Buster, and Wade._

SPARKY: Boy, I really hope they're here.

BUSTER: They have to be here. Unless they poisoned themselves. No, no, that's not the way, guys! You're not alone anymore!

RK: Wait a minute. That sounds like paranoia.

RK AND JAYLYNN: Buster!

_RK and Jaylynn turn to see the boys are back and yell as they run up to them for a group hug._

RK: What the hell are you guys doing here?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, we thought you were done with this place.

SPARKY: We were, but we had to come back after Sanna told us what you did.

RK: Oh no.

SPARKY: No, it's nothing bad. We're glad she told us. You guys did everything you could just to send us on this trip. We can't get mad at you for that.

WADE: Yeah, and we definitely would have helped out if we knew before.

JAYLYNN: We just wanted to pull it off ourselves. We got so tired of our lives back home, we wanted to stay here forever.

RK: But it sucked without you guys. It wasn't just about the lodge. It was the fact that we were all here together at the lodge.

BUSTER: Well, we can still be together at the lodge.

RK: Say what now?

JAYLYNN: You guys know we're broke, right? They'll be kicking us out any minute.

SPARKY: No, they won't. All three of us pitched in and kept this place reserved for a couple more days. It's the least we could do for you guys.

RK: We have the best friends in the world.

JAYLYNN: We really do. Thanks, guys. We owe you for this.

WADE: Not really. As long as you take us to the spa right now, we're even.

RK: Yeah, you guys deserve some pampering.

SPARKY: We do deserve some pampering. Let's all go get pampered.

RK AND JAYLYNN: Yeah! Extended vacation!

_RK and Jaylynn high-five each other. _

WADE: Okay, we should probably address when you guys started doing that.

SCENE 28

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

_The kids are all on Sparky's couch for the weekly recap. _

SPARKY: You know, we've had a lot of vacations and trips in the past, but this was the best one, by far.

BUSTER: I know. And people want to talk about the Grand Canyon or Disney World. Please.

JAYLYNN: I definitely won't forget it. For three weeks, we didn't have to worry about homework or waking up early or deranged idiots getting spit all up inside your mouth.

SPARKY: What about that last thing?

JAYLYNN: I'll text you the details.

RK: The point is, just because things can get boring from time to time, doesn't mean they'll stay boring. Besides, as long as we're with each other, every day's a vacation.

WADE: No lies told, man.

_At that point, a loud banging is heard on Sparky's door._

SPARKY: I thought I told Bitch Clock to check in with me about his drug business.

SANNA: RK, I know you're in there. The next math test is in three days, are we studying or not?

RK: Crap, I forgot.

_RK gets up and hides under the couch._

WADE: RK, what are you doing?

RK: I can't deal with this during a recap! Tell Sanna I moved to Colorado, or I died. No, wait, I moved to Colorado and _then _I died. I don't know, have fun with the scenario given.

_Cut to black. _

_("Buck 'Em Down" by Black Moon plays over the end credits)_

©2019 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS


	2. The Mid-Winter Break from Hell B-Pass

_PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES (written 2/26/19-2/27/19)_

-The first time I watched "A Totally Fun Thing That Bart Will Never Do Again" was back in 2015 during spring break. I remember being a big fan of it at the time, and while I have more problems with it now (like Bart's prank and the fact that nobody was able to figure it out), I still think it's one of the best _Simpsons _episodes in the past decade or so. It's one of the few modern episodes that treat Bart like an actual character, it handles something kids go through in an interesting way, and it has a high number of good jokes. I can't remember exactly when I came up with the idea to cover it, but it was just something I was interested in and thought it would make a really good episode at some point.

-When I first came up with the idea, I believe Jaylynn was supposed to be Bart, and at some point, I decided to add RK so they were both Bart. There were a lot of things in this episode that I didn't really think about until it was time to start writing it. I didn't even know where the kids would go on vacation until a few days ago.

-I thought it was perfect to have both RK and Jaylynn as Bart because not only did it mean they were both dealing with the problem, but they both have similarities that bring them together. RK and Jaylynn are both cynical, smart alecky, and can sometimes jump to the worst-case scenario if they see things not going the way they're supposed to. RK's paranoia is one of his most known traits, and Jaylynn's become numb to things before because of her upbringing. She even dealt with a fear of death last season, which I originally meant for RK. They have a certain bond as characters but they can never really get it together to see it because of their constant fighting.

-Since the kids were going on vacation, I decided to release the episode around vacation time. The mid-winter break in New York City had actually ended recently, so I knew getting the episode out around that time would be a good idea. This is what kept me from calling it "A Totally Fun Thing That RK & Jaylynn Will Never Do Again." I was slightly considering releasing the episode for spring break, but it wasn't something I was serious about.

-I noticed while writing this episode that the kids have almost always had odd vacations/experiences outside of Seattle, so I decided to have that be a reason for RK and Jaylynn wanting to stay at the lodge. I was considering having the kids go through a miserable experience at the lodge, but I didn't know how much comedy I would be able to get out of it. Plus, the point of the original episode was that Bart loved being on the cruise because it was the complete opposite of his life at home. I needed that same contrast here.

-One of the hardest things to deal with when it came to this episode was where to send the kids on vacation. I wanted it to be a really interesting place, but not something like Hawaii or Los Angeles because those were much bigger ideas. At first, I considered sending them to the same amusement park in Tukwila that I mentioned in "Back in the Second Grade...", but I lost interest in the idea. considered having the kids go on a cruise like the Simpsons did, but I feel like that would have required more research and I didn't want it to be an exact copy of the original. I looked into vacation spots in the Pacific Northwest and became interested in the Lake Quinault Lodge, which I based the Toll House Lodge off of.

-The one priority I had for the opening montage was that it had to be really funny, because in the original episode, there was a montage of Bart's terrible week at home and school. It was set to "Boy from School" by Hot Chip. I remember the first time I watched the montage and I thought it was hilarious, so I knew that mine had to match it comedically.

-The Paradise Resorts commercial was an exact copy of the kind of commercials that advertise these vacation resorts for families. I'm pretty sure one of the companies used "Come with Me Now" for their commercials.

-RK makes a reference to the character Ranger Smith from the children's animated series _Yogi Bear_.

-RK references previous episodes of the series in the following order: "Super Bowl Cum-Day II" (conspiracies), "Illuminati's for Idiots" (murderous ex-presidents), the "Slice of Fantastica" two-parter (greedy Nickelodeon executives), "How Five Idiots Spent Their Summer Vacation" (psychologically abusive raccoons), "The Space Program" (space jail), and "TYH TakeOver: Brooklyn '18" (one of the gang's more recent visits to New York City).

-RK references his former Chocolate King persona from "The Little Salesman That Couldn't."

-RK and Jaylynn reference the PBS series _Caillou _and its well-known negative reputation, especially regarding Caillou's characterization.

-In the scenes right before the kids reach the Toll House Lodge, the following episodes are referenced in order: The "Viva Las TSE" two-parter (lost vacation money), "The Trouble with Militants" (Sparky and Buster's trip to Atlanta to meet with Coca-Cola executives), "RK vs. LPC & Mrs. Tuxedo Pants" (Buster's unsuccessful trip to Philadelphia), "The Simpsons Movie: Thank You, Heavenly Edition" (the kids going to Portland to avoid being arrested in Seattle after being falsely accused of arson), the "Going Back to Portland" two-parter (Jaylynn returning to Portland to fight Sonja Peterson), and "The Trip" (the field trip to Project Adventure).

-Buster's donut of choice was based off these donuts I ate on my junior high senior trip to the Holiday Hill resort in Prospect, Connecticut. I don't remember exactly what flavor the donuts were, but they were some of the best I've ever had in my life so I just came up with a flavor that sounded delicious.

-RK singing "Independent Women" in the shower was a scene I had in mind for a very long time, but it was just a matter of finding the right episode to use it.

-Buster saying that the kids should enjoy the lodge while they can is a reference to a song in "A Totally Fun Thing" called "Enjoy It While You Can," which is performed by the cruise director and has lyrics that remind Bart that the vacation only lasts a week.

-I was originally considering having RK and Jaylynn do something manipulative and/or deceitful to extend the vacation, but I couldn't think of anything and I didn't want to portray them as unlikable so I just went with them convincing Sparky, Buster, and Wade to stay longer.

-RK references George Carlin's famous monologue "The Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television."


End file.
